i've been feeling really restless lately and nothing seems to abate this feeling. in all honesty, i think i'm too free... lol??? this has never happened to me like i'm usually really good at finding things to occupy my time but i think i've forgotten the motions of it. i haven't been consistently creating or consuming like i normally do so i feel weird. well i don't know if it's a causation but it's certainly a correlation. something needs to be figured out ASAP i cannot keep living like this. okay but some life updates i'm currently reading moneyball by michael lewis and it's a thoroughly interesting book! i absolutely love the movie too so it's nice to read the book it was adapted from :3
i don't know i feel like i'm in a creative block. i always start creating in bursts so i don't wanna force it but i suppose i just haven't been super inspired lately. hmm i don't know!! so hard to diagnose what's wrong i just feel very strange. sorry i keep jumping around but that's kind of my mental state rn. i feel like i have too much excess energy that isn't being expended heh
i don't start school until september likely so i have a lot more free time ahead of me... (is that a good thing?) but i'm pretty excited to go to university! i'm currently looking to study abroad and i've received an offer from cambridge in the UK among some other schools so that's really exciting. there's also a liberal arts college in the US called deep springs college that i'm waiting on for a decision... kinda nerve wracking because it's my absolute DREAM school in all senses of the word and i so badly want to go.!.1.!>>! recently got to visit as well (i'm writing a piece on that, maybe i'll put it up here soon?) and it was just the loveliest place ever. it speaks to me.
but at the same time my parents are really unsupportive and going there is a huge risk because i'd have to apply for transfers again at the end of those 2 years, which i suppose shouldn't be a concern merit wise but i just don't really know it'll go down with how shitty the US looks for internationals right now. also it's kind of isolated and while my visit was wondrous and super enjoyable, i don't know if that's an accurate representation of how it's like in the long term. but at the same time i feel like it's such a great school that it trumps all of these downsides, and i'd still be willing to take these risks ultimately ^^ well we gotta see if they even want me honestly HAHA but i'll update u guys!
also a lil milestone for cygnet i finally showed this site to an irl! cygnet for me was always meant to be my digital refuge and i really dislike the idea of being watched by people i know personally HAHA like it makes me self conscious and i don't wanna end up having to self-censor yanno. but i showed it to my bf and he was really impressed #Awesomesauce i love being affirmed. i know it seems like a really small thing but this site is a huge part of me (or encapsulates it, at least) so it felt like a really vulnerable moment. but i have no regrets it's so lovely to share a piece of myself with someone i love
lots of love,
j